Thanks for the support babe, I think we smashed it =] <3 ILAG

One More Time.

I guess I’m not special any more. I can’t say I’m surprised, though. I guess now I know for sure. I knew it had to be too good to be true.

I always wondered whether or not I was special in your eyes. Now I realize it all, all of it, was the same. It’s not just me; it’s the same crap you say to every other girl.And yeah, they’re not the best “conversations” but I still appreciate them. Enjoy them in a sick, selfish, and abnormal way.

I still want you. I still love you. I always will because there isn’t anything I can do about it. I can’t change what’s in my head. I never could. But if sex is the way to your heart, then I guess it isn’t meant to be. I’m not saying I never would, because I would. I want to, even, in a very naive and idealistic way. However, it’s bad enough that I let you kiss me, that we shared something as important as our first kiss together when we weren’t even in a legitimate relationship. I don’t regret it. I never will. But if we’re never going to have that kind of relationship, then it’s just not happening. Ever. And I’m sorry about that. I wish we could. But I see now that I’m actually nothing to you. No, just no. Unfortunate.

Why do I keep hearing your name from other people’s mouths? They aren’t saying it, I know they aren’t. Odd, huh?

________________________________________________________________

God, what was I thinking? Oh right, I wasn’t. I wrote that^ on March eighth, apparently when I wasn’t over you. I was right, though. I never really, truly meant a god-damned thing to you.

At first I thought it was just me, and I think it was—until recently. But I’m starting to doubt that now. It’s been a year. A whole year since we were “together”. Over that time, I’ve realized a few things. I’ve realized that you’re just a player. Because you’ve played me over and over. I’ve realized that you have no real feelings, that you just shoot for what you want and if you can’t get it from one girl you’ll try a different one. But most of all, I’ve realized that I’m your last resort. The one you turn to when all else fails and you can’t get what you want. Like I’ve changed my mind after God knows how many months. And you know what? I kinda makes me feel like shit.

But you’re just a stupid hormonal teenage boy. But you’re the wrong kind of hormonal. This past year has just gone to show me that you’re not even worth my time. In the past, I rarely complained. I gave you as much compliance as my morals can allow. But then the disrespect started and I decided I was done. Well, sort of. I never truly left and ended up being torn between you and him. Now I realize that’s just stupid, of course.

Yes, I have morals. And I refuse to change them for anyone. Regardless, though, watching you flirt with me and then turn around to do the same with another girl…and your ignorance…everything, all of that, has effectively broken me. So congrats. You’ve left a couple scars in my skin and at one point I thought my brain matter might make a rather pretty picture on my ceiling (figuratively, of course) because of you. But not any more.

I will never for as long as I live want you out of my life. I’m at the point where I feel like I need you as my friend. I get instantly happier every time you want a hug. I got happier too when you and Josh spent time with me and Chance before Class Acts, and especially after my performance when you told me I was excellent. You see, you’re just…well, it’s impossible to hate you or to be angry with you. You’re too kind, too generous, too everything wonderful. You’re even a gentleman. But behind closed doors it’s a different story, isn’t it? I was shocked when it all started coming my way. I never expected it. Same with every one else. 

But you’re climbing to new heights. So I suppose I was just practice, huh? And my dear friend is the quarry you’re adamant on pursuing. You see, you’re revealing yourself to be such a jerk. Asking her to cheat and lie on the guy she loves, having the guts to attempt things that could be classified as sexual assault to her… and I hate to say it, but she’s been far too gentle thus far. She confides in me first, she told me about all your little incidents. And you know what I told her? I told her to be very firm with you the next time something happens and if you don’t listen to reason then she has every reason to punch you square in the face. She said she’d rather just slap you, but I told her to break your nose. Because you deserve that. It hurt, it hurt so fucking much to say that and think that. But it’s coming anyway. What do you think would happen if her boyfriend and her family caught wind of all this? You’d probably end up hospitalized. 

Why do you want to rush this all any way? It’s such an insignificant and fundamental part of our most basic biology. It doesn’t even matter, in the grand scheme of things. But at the same time it’s so, so, so important…

My eyes have been opened. I’ve been enlightened. Because of all this, you’re not worth it. We’ll stay friends for as long as I can hope for, but I’m certainly over you now. You’re a cocky, creepy asshole and I don’t want to deal with that. No one does. I feel nothing for you. How does it feel to have your favourite teacher think differently of you? This is such a huge tarnish on your reputation. Now everyone will see you for who you really are—the guy I’ve come to know you as. I love you as a friend, but if I get my ass dragged into this whole “talk to the authorities” business with you and my friend, you should know I’ll be standing behind her, not you.

If you’re so eager to get the ball rolling on this, there are two options for you. There are plenty of used sluts and whores in the school. Perhaps you should turn to them instead of people like me and my friends. You’re such a manwhore…

But I’m sure there are many prostitutes down town waiting for you, too.

I’m done now. I can’t even remember what else I wanted to say. Prick…